I Thought My Depression was Existential; Turns Out I Was Wrong. I’m Wholly Depressed.
Also: I don’t want to have a full-time job; I want to write.
There is also the fact that I am extremely anxious, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’m just a few days into training for my full-time job. The people on my team are amazing, managers are not pushing me to work fully yet, and I believe that given a learning curve, I’ll be able to do ok at all the tasks that soon will be presented to me. Outside of work, I’m extremely privileged, though I don’t have a trust fund. I have the most amazing of life partners, a cat that is more than special, and a supportive and understanding family. Yet, I have found myself holding in tears in public, blanking out, and daydreaming about all of the ways I could have a meaningful, relaxing life.
I’m not here to talk about work, but it is what has triggered all of the thoughts and feelings I’ll be writing about, so bear with me through a bit of work talk. The fact is, I don’t want to work. I don’t love what I am doing, but I find that an idea that I could cope with. It’s just that I don’t want t a full-time job. Managing it long-term is very difficult per se (some readers may know I am fairly convinced I could be diagnosed with severe ADHD), but I also feel like spending most of my wake time…
