I Thought My Depression was Existential; Turns Out I Was Wrong. I’m Wholly Depressed.
There is also the fact that I am extremely anxious, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’m just a few days into training for my full-time job. The people on my team are amazing, managers are not pushing me to work fully yet, and I believe that given a learning curve, I’ll be able to do ok at all the tasks that soon will be presented to me. Outside of work, I’m extremely privileged, though I don’t have a trust fund. I have the most amazing of life partners, a cat that is more than special, and a supportive and understanding family. Yet, I have found myself holding in tears in public, blanking out, and daydreaming about all of the ways I could have a meaningful, relaxing life.
I’m not here to talk about work, but it is what has triggered all of the thoughts and feelings I’ll be writing about, so bear with me through a bit of work talk. The fact is, I don’t want to work. I don’t love what I am doing, but I find that an idea that I could cope with. It’s just that I don’t want t a full-time job. Managing it long-term is very difficult per se (some readers may know I am fairly convinced I could be diagnosed with severe ADHD), but I also feel like spending most of my wake time working take away the meaning I was found in living my already meaningless-perceived life. I found writing, and I wished that by now it could have become a source of liveable income, but that hasn’t happened. Still, it’s really the only thing that makes me feel good and makes me feel like my own life (as in daily life) is worth living. But life creeps in, you turn 30, and figure that you really, really, should start contributing with living expenses and working towards a comfortable lifestyle. So, I am doing it, and fucking hell, I have just started! Yet, I feel like not only my anxiety is becoming unbearable — I wrote not long ago that I am starting to get rashes on my head, and I find it difficult to sleep — but my depression is creeping up again.
Growing up, I thought that my “being depressed” was mostly related to my thoughts about existence. Namely, mortality and suffering. While it has happened that I have felt “down” for many mundane reasons, I am now…